I think that boa constrictors get a bad rap. They don't mean to hurt anyone they are just really caring and who doesn't need a hug?

What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?

When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.

I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through family functions.

Just so ya know, sometimes I poke you while I am wearing socks.

I always think of something sad when chopping onions so that I kill two birds with one stone.