When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

Hey Facebook, If I have 65 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

If I had a kid, I'd name him Marbles. That way if I ever lost him I could tell people I lost my Marbles and they'd think I was being funny instead of being a neglectful parent.

Do you remember when your parents used to say, "if someone is mean to you, kill em' with kindness?" How long does it take for the "killing" part to take effect?

If Facebook had a "dislike" button, I'd never leave my house.

I figured out that the key to enjoying yourself at pool parties is to show up right when everyone is too drunk to tag people in pictures on Facebook anymore...