deletes enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...

Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

Those annoying subscription cards that fall out of magazines are the earliest forms of pop-up ads.

Is singing, "If you're angry & you know it punch their face!"

I think you're so vain, you probably think this Facebook status is about you.

It all makes sense now. Pot and gay marriage legalized in the same day. Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned." Well. I guess we've just been misinterpreting it all these years...