Whoever said, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after five straight days he's still going strong.

There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating Pain 3. Stepping on a Lego

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, they represent every quality that women hate in a man.

Santa has elves. America has China.

When I die, I want catnip to be planted over my grave. Then, all the stray cats will flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people will think I was some kind of cat god.

Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.